I fell in love. Deeply.
I still remember the night when we first met. It was at our friend’s wedding and I happened to sit next to you – which wasn’t part of the original seating plan, guess it was probably meant to be. You gave a very good first impression with your gentle and thougtful manner. That night I felt something about you (it was the way you looked at me when you said goodbye), yet I still don’t know what it was, it was something like an unexplained connection… I didn’t want to entertain the feeling though as I didn’t think I’d see you again and didn’t know whether you’re in a relationship – plus you’re much older than me.
Little did I know then that we’d cross path again and I would develop a deep feeling for you….
At the beginning, I was hesitant, didn’t know whether I should give you a green light, although you were being very subtle about how you felt, but I did sense it. My hesitance was mainly due to our age difference, I knew it wouldn’t be an easy path… but I took my chances, I thought I should at least give it a go. So I gave you the green light and not long after we were together. The memory of the day when we got together is still clear in my mind. It’s really unexpected for me.
I don’t easily open up my heart and let anyone in easily, but you managed to break that shield and you went in deep.
You treated me very well and gently. You made me feel so special. You made me feel wanted, loved and cared. You gave me the affections that I yearned for. So thank you so much!
Perhaps you had been having the gut feeling that we wouldn’t have future. Perhaps you’re right that we are so different and incompatible. But perhaps it’s also because you can’t let anyone in your heart. You said you adored me, but I think you couldn’t truly let me in your heart.
Look, it’s okay. I never blame you for feeling that way. I never blame you for being true to yourself. Nothing worse than lying to oneself, so I really appreciate it.
Though it still wasn’t an easy experience for me. I never really fell for anyone but you. You’re my first and I fell deeply. The breakup also came unexpectedly. I cried to sleep almost every night. I had to will myself to stop crying. Whenever I was alone, I cried. The pain was akin to a betrayal somehow, it was painful; I won’t lie…
Just like physical wound, the heart heals with time. I learnt more about myself throughout the process. I also learnt more about life/relationship, and I think I grew wiser from it.
The way I dealt with this pain is to learn to unlove you and “love” you again (differently). I learnt to unlove you as my ex-lover/ my ex-boyfriend. I came to realise that you’re you, not mine, and never was mine. You’re just like me, another being who is subject to her/his own upbringing and conditioning. You have your own past that shapes you now. Just like me, you also want to be happy – and you deserve to be happy.
So I started to see you differently and I developed a new feeling of genuine care and love for you as another human being. I truly meant it when I said your happiness was also mine. All I wish for you is happiness. It doesnt matter if you love me or not, what matters is your wellbeing.
With this new feeling emerging in my heart, the pain started to subside and with time it developed into joy and happiness. It also made me realise that to be happy, I don’t need anyone else’s love – because the love is within my heart. This love I can use for myself and for others too. With this kind of self-love, I feel complete. I no longer feel the need to have someone else to give me the love. Because all I need is within me.
So please don’t feel guilty (if you are) for breaking my heart. Without this experience I probably wouldn’t have learnt this beautiful lesson; the lesson to love myself fully. The lesson that made me whole. The shattered pieces are now replaced with a new heart.
So again, thank you and I wish you well.
PS: if you ask me whether I’d fall in love again? I don’t know (can’t be certain about the future), but I probably will, though hopefully the next time it will be with much less attachment. And I’ll be with someone because I want to not because I need to.
PPS: another beautiful thing is it made me so grateful to have so many good friends. They were there for me, saw me in tears, offered their shoulders, and even some (by the “work” of universe) happened to visit and stay at my place. So for you all, I sincerely thank you! I’m so blessed to have such good friends. Love you!